The Lazy Man’s Guide to Uncovering Repressed Emotions
How to let go of past trauma without a single word or pen stroke
Reading The Body Keeps the Score is not for the faint of heart. Dr. Bessel van der Kolk dives into heart-wrenching accounts of Vietnam War veterans, 9/11 survivors, and sexual assault victims.
It is the quintessential book on how physical symptoms can originate in the Mind and traverse the bridge into the Body… forming our One Self that is hurt and in need of repair, psychologically and physiologically.
The good stuff comes in the second half, the Recovery section. Here Dr. van der Kolk dives into various “alternative” treatment modalities for those with PTSD and other MindBody syndromes.
Many of these you may have heard before — mindfulness, journaling, art, yoga…
Then, he introduces the concept of EMDR, or Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing.
EMDR, in short, is the use of bilateral stimulation (traditionally done by watching a therapist move their finger back and forth) to surface repressed trauma and emotions.
There are 2 main parts of a clinical EMDR session. The first is the Desensitization phase, in which you, as the patient, experience bilateral stimulation with the goal to become aware and make peace with traumatic experiences, negative beliefs, or difficult present-day issues. It’s meant to be a sort of safe space where you can really experience the truest form of your past experiences and emotions.
The best part about this is — this process can be entirely nonverbal! While EMDR can be done with a therapist or at home (more on this later), there is absolutely no requirement for you to spill your guts to someone you may not fully trust.
The second, equally as important, part of an EMDR session — is the Installation phase. Here, the same bilateral stimulation is performed. However, the goal is different. Rather than focusing on a specific issue you have faced in the past or present, your goal is to focus on a positive version or outcome of that experience.
For example, instead of focusing on a time you were bullied or assaulted on the street… in the Installation phase, you might choose to focus on your ability to overcome difficult scenarios, your compassion for yourself or others, or your appreciation for your Life and Body.
Together, these Desensitization and Installation phases allow you to safely explore your past experiences and present emotions while also reprogramming your Mind to heal from them and help you avoid falling into those same traps again.
Now, I had never heard of this idea of bilateral stimulation before — my only exposure to the concept of EMDR had been the recent Babygirl movie (in which Nicole Kidman cinematically uses the process to handle the pressures of being a CEO) and having overheard the topic in passing during my time experimenting with psychedelic drugs.
But, I had recently been suffering from a real roadblock when it came to the traditional TMS method for healing from chronic pain… so I was open to trying something new.
The Worst Writer’s Block Ever 🚫
Journaling is by far and wide the most common approach to healing from TMS or chronic pain symptoms these days. The popularity of Nicole Sachs, her JournalSpeak method, and the BreakAwake community is the proof in the pudding of this healing modality.
However, there is no avoiding the fact that writing does not come easy for most of us. Furthermore, writing for emotional release may as well be a foreign language for us Type T personalities that are often suffering from chronic pain.
I remember the first time I read Dr. Sarno’s books and tried following his suggested protocol for writing about your past trauma, present stressors, and personality traits that could be causing pain symptoms. It felt like a sterile, clinical approach to a naturally creative act like writing… and I was left staring at an empty page for literally months on end.
Nicole’s work takes great strides in spicing up the journaling process and making you feel alive and empowered while doing it. This is exactly what we want, and I credit her and slow yin yoga with 90% of my reduction in symptoms.
But recently, I have been facing an issue. You see, the type of fiery, passionate journaling that Nicole recommends has a prerequisite for success.
You need to be in a safe place mentally and physically to let those fierce emotions flow out of your head and onto the page. This can be accomplished through a few ways — but the best form is education on the effectiveness of the method, how the mind works, and how your pain symptoms are harmless and nothing to be scared about.
All of those things won’t help though if you feel physically unsafe or unhealthy in your own body… as I have wrote about in the past. And recently, I have been facing a number of obstacles in my personal life that have caused me to not have a safe place physically to do this deep journaling work.
Bad roommate experiences, moving multiple times, and starting a new job caused me to simply not have the energy or proper headspace to do the necessary JournalSpeak work I wanted to do.
But, I did not want to stop progressing on my healing journey. I remembered reading Dr. van der Kolk’s book and thought to myself… “maybe I will give EMDR therapy a shot”.
Since EMDR doesn’t require writing or voicing your thoughts and emotions to yourself or a therapist… I didn’t need an established place to write or even to live in. It definitely helps to be able to write or talk to someone during an EMDR session — but it is not necessary to succeed and get results with the protocol.
Finding Help 🆘
I started Googling for EMDR therapists in my area… and I quickly found myself in hotly debated topics on Reddit about the efficacy of the protocol, along with countless experiences of people who could not find a properly trained provider in their area.
Contrary to the mainstream narrative, mental healthcare is far from the standardized, rigorous treatment model that it is made out to be. In fact, it is not uncommon for poorly trained therapists to cause patients more damage that they must then work to heal from. So when you hear a vocal group of backlash from therapists online… while at the same time real people are praising the method and pouring out their own heartfelt experiences to a public, anonymous Internet… I tend to take the backlash with a grain of salt. This hasn’t been the first time that doctors or medical providers have lied to me.
I did heed the warnings of people who had experienced EMDR though — that the protocol can bring up challenging, threatening memories and emotions, and it is critical to do the protocol in a supervised environment to avoid retraumatizing yourself with those thoughts as they surface to your Conscious Mind.
In summary, there seems to be 3 ways to experience EMDR if you are interested:
Using a YouTube video or even Video game to trigger bilateral stimulation yourself and reap the benefits in a DIY-fashion (Not Recommended and Potentially Dangerous)
Finding a qualified EMDR therapist in your area who will spend most of the time practicing the EMDR protocol with you (Best Option — if you can find a therapist who will mostly do EMDR. Many only include it as a small part of their treatment plan.)
Use a software tool, developed by clinicians (and often used in their own practices), to follow the EMDR protocol at home, but in a guarded process with safety rails available at every step in the process.
As I was still moving across states and had been unsuccessful in finding an EMDR-specific therapist online — I chose to go with option 3. Luckily, it did not disappoint 🙂.
The Best EMDR Tool to Use at Home 🔨
As I researched the various EMDR software tools available, I began to form an idea of the baseline requirements I needed from such a tool to be successful.
The most important requirement for me was safety. I had never done deep trauma therapy or release work before (beside Nicole’s journaling methods) — only some short Cognitive Behavioral Therapy sessions which I did not find helpful.
I knew I had some deep, buried sh*t inside of me, and I needed to make sure the whole house (my Mind / Body) wasn’t going to explode when I started messing with the plumbing.
This meant that I needed to have easy access to a real, trained EMDR therapist while using the software tool — non-negotiable. You wouldn’t learn how to fly or drive without some level of instruction right? Even though you can do those activities solo (and the same goes for EMDR), it’s absolutely recommended to have a trained mentor help you in the early stages.
My next criteria was — I wanted to have a way to track my progress. This is a gripe I have with the whole MindBody and wellness space in general. They do not measure their results.
Now, I completely understand and am a proponent of treating each day as a new experience — and if you are engaging in a difficult physical or mental exercise, to only push as hard as your current daily max (which may be different from yesterday’s or tomorrow’s). Also take plenty of rest and recovery days.
But, if you don’t track your progress at all (again track not necessarily compare) — you are missing out on tons of potential gains and enjoyment from any activity, including self-development and inner healing work. The reason is simple — humans are natural dopamine junkies. We like to see the number of training sessions (physical or mental), our overall results, and honestly just a pretty picture of graphs and data points — go up and improve over time.
Essentially, if we gamify our healing work by tracking sessions and progress over time — we can hijink our dopamine system to help us heal faster and easier — instead of allowing that same dopamine system to our ruin our lives with junk food, gambling, porn or other addictions. You do need dopamine hits in your life… just choose the good kind, not the bad kind.
Finally, contrary to the last point, I wanted an EMDR experience that felt clinical and professional. I did not want to feel like I was playing a casual video game, while watching a smiley face bounce around the screen 😂. This is serious healing work we are doing, and that requires a focused, purposeful approach to the protocol.
With these criteria in mind… I selected VirtualEMDR as my tool of choice.
VirtualEMDR combines the best of both worlds by providing a first-class, self-guided EMDR tool, along with optional 1:1 coaching and instructional videos to help you safely learn the basics of the protocol.
As a clinical tool that therapists use themselves, it checked all of my boxes and includes an amazing Session Data dashboard that helps you track your progress over time. The best part is… there is a free 3-day trial, so you can give it a shot with no strings attached 😎.
My First Experience 🫣
I distinctly remember the first time I tried VirtualEMDR. To be honest, I was scared. I had subscribed to the free trial a few days before, but had been too much of a p*ssy to follow through and actually use it.
I found myself home alone on a Saturday night — not wanting to go out and socialize with friends or go to sleep early.
I realized I was hiding from the task in front of me. The task of diving into my True thoughts and emotions about my past, present, and future Life.
Upon this realization, I opened up my laptop and logged into the VirtualEMDR system. After watching the instructional videos, I put on noise-cancelling headphones, positioned my monitor ~24 inches from my face, and got to work.
Desensitization
Before you start, the EMDR protocol gives you few questions to answer about your Target, or the difficult trauma / emotion you are focusing on. In my first sessions, I spent a lot of time on these questions, but now I only spend a few minutes and write a few sentences.
The intro questions are optional, but they are similar to the first few paragraphs of a good journaling session. They get your Mind and Body relaxed and ready to open up. You might already be feeling some strong emotions come up, but it’s not necessary to fully explore them — that will come later (and no need to write the deep, dark details on the page this time!)
After I answered the intro questions and identified my Target, I started the EMDR feature of the app itself. There are a number of preset themes in the app — personally I like to use a Space background, Blue dot, and a bilateral cadence of about 20-25.
After a few minutes of watching the Blue dot move back and forth while focusing on my Target, I began to feel a deep trance take over my Body. I no longer had to consciously move my eyes left and right. My thoughts, while initially focused on my Target, now seemed to move automatically through my personal life experiences.
It was as if I was taking a gentle helicopter tour of my Life, viewing all my deep emotional experiences over the years from a neutral, 3rd party perspective.
Certain scenes and locations were scary, even painful to rewatch — but I knew that I had a remote eject button that would allow me to parachute safely to the ground if needed (end the session). I also knew that a trained EMDR professional was just a button push away if I needed further help 🙂.
This gentle experience continued for ~5-7 minutes, as I looped through past experiences of breakups, bullying, and physical violence. For each memory, I recollected the setting, activity, and people involved and then felt the emotions of that moment wash over my Body. After the initial washing, I felt clean — as if that particular memory no longer held any control over my past or present Self. Truly, the Desensitization of EMDR occurs in real time. However, it is not necessarily easy or fun.
The next memory… completely shattered me.
Just when I felt that I was beginning to get a hang of the EMDR process and feel comfortable, the details of my youngest years began to emerge.
I was 6 years old. In what I thought was a safe and loving house, playing innocent games with my siblings.
And then the event happened. I did not know that it was sexual at the time; I only thought that it was another fun game to play with my older sibling. But I did know the feeling of shame that enveloped and suffocated me when our father walked in and began yelling.
He placed the blame entirely on me, until my Mother finally calmed him down and told him that it had not been my idea.
I was just an blissfully ignorant child — thinking that playing Doctor was a fun way to spend the afternoon.
But from that day on — I never felt the same again. I never felt like I had intrinsic self worth as a human. I felt like there was something wrong with me for existing as an adolescent boy, for having something between my legs. I never felt truly comfortable around the opposite sex again, until my most recent years.
Reliving this memory took less than 60 seconds. Shortly after, the Desensitization phase of the VirtualEMDR session ended. Although this memory was painful to relive… I never felt out of control or unsafe during the experience. In fact, my final thoughts of that first Desensitization phase were:
It’s okay. You are not broken. Your father and sister made a mistake that day. There was nothing you could do to protect yourself that day, you were a 6 year old child. Now, I can protect the 6 year old version of me, and nothing bad will happen to him again.
These closing thoughts and emotions naturally grounded me as I returned to the present. Then, I began the second part of the VirtualEMDR session, the Installation phase.
Installation
Before starting, you will answer another set of questions that helps you choose a new Target. This Target will describe a New Version of you, a You with your innate positive qualities and characteristics enhanced and actualized in their fullest potential.
For this first session, I chose to focus on my protective traits, my survival instinct. How I can I get through any difficult situation, because I trust myself and my capabilities. How I will use my intellect and gut instinct to guide my actions to build the Best Possible Life for myself. How nothing bad will happen to me, because I have my own back, along with my trusted friends and family members.
Then, I restarted the EMDR tool.
This time, I chose a slower pace for the dot, and configured the sound and size of it to be more comfortable and relaxing. The VirtualEMDR settings are highly customizable, and it’s encouraged to choose the best setting for you and your session’s goal.
Now the Reprocessing or Reprogramming of my Mind began. Immediately, I felt a deep sense of calm and safety. With the remnants of my last relived trauma still at the forefront of my Mind, my body was sweaty and shaking.
As I watched the dot move side to side, these physical effects subsided — my Mind became completely Empty. Despite having relived such a powerful memory, one that I likely hadn’t ever revisited before — my Mind and Body quickly returned to a state of fluidity and wholeness with each other and the Universe.
With this blank slate, I focused on my Target completely this time.
“You are a Protector”
”You are a Survivor”
”I can overcome anything with my Mind’s Intellect and Gut Instinct”
On each left-right pass of the dot, I felt my Body grow stronger and stronger. No longer was I recovering from past trauma and emotions. Now, I was laying the foundation for a building, a fortress of joy in myself — that no one could penetrate.
I began to feel waves of pleasure course over my Body. This was very similar to the state one enters after practicing Vipassana meditation for 30-60 minutes, except I had only been Reprocessing for 5 minutes. I’m sure my powerful Desensitization session played a role in this though.
As the session began to close (you can see the timer and number of left-right passes in the VirtualEMDR tool), I found my Mind drifting back to my original Target — for the Desensitization session — but this time in a new light.
Going into the EMDR session had been scary — not only because it was my first time but also because the Target I chose had been something that I was having difficulty facing. It was an emotional demon that had been taking my Body hostage for quite some time. It was the reason why I was sitting at home alone on a Saturday night.
But now, I saw this emotion in its true Naked light. It was no longer big, scary, and unknown — lurking about in the recesses of my Subconscious. It was cold and shivering. I walked over and gave it a warm embrace. I told it, “Thank You. You belong here just as much as everyone else”. After all, had it not existed, I may have never uncovered and healthily processed that core trauma from my childhood. I may have never removed that heavy burden I had been carrying around for over 2 decades. I may have never truly discovered my Self and what it feels like to be at Home and in sync with my Body.
This emotion — my original target — was the fear of rejection. Rejection from Men, Women, and most importantly Myself. Despite having spent years working on my social anxiety and dating life (and succeeding in improving in these areas), I was still scared of doing or saying something stupid. But the truth is, there is no stupid thing to say or do — if that’s what you want to do.
We are all battling our demons while sharing this flying rock as it plummets through the cosmos. In a sense, it can all feel pointless and chaotic, like we have no control over our fates. Maybe that is true, but the one thing you always have control of — is the decision to Love Yourself. You can reject your oppressors, family, even God…. but never choose to reject Yourself. You are the only Friend who will never leave your side, the only Family member who you don’t have to watch pass away, and the only Lover who will never break your Heart ❤️.
Tips and Tricks for Success 📈
When using VirtualEMDR and following the protocol, there are a few things to keep in mind to guarantee success.
1. Set Proper Expectations
You will not have a “breakthrough” moment every time you do EMDR. So, it’s best to go into sessions with no expectations and just try to enjoy the process. Having used the VirtualEMDR tool for the past several months, I can say only about 1 out of 5 sessions resulted in a major change in my way of thinking or a paradigm shift in my relationship to past trauma and experiences.
But that’s a pretty good success rate, in my opinion 😎.
The other sessions have certainly not been useless. These typically are sessions where I am less focused or relaxed going into it, and while I follow the protocol and answer the intro questions to the best of my ability, I do not really venture into my past experiences or present emotions beyond the surface level. By the end of these sessions, I typically just have a sense of calm and clarity when it comes to the Present moment.
This is still progress, in my opinion, as any work where you focus on and appreciate your Body’s sensations and mental state will strengthen the Mind-Body connection, encourage your Subconscious Mind to open up to you, and improve your overall happiness and satisfaction in Life.
2. Prepare Your Mind and Body
However, this brings me to second tip — which is to properly prepare for your VirtualEMDR sessions. My goal, and I would encourage yours to be as well, is to treat these EMDR sessions as serious healing sessions, not just a video game you play in your free time.
This means, prepare your Body and Mind just like any other difficult physical exercise or mental challenge. Get good sleep, eat a healthy diet on the day of your session, and be physically active. Communicate with roommates that you have an important work or school item to complete and need some peace and quiet, if needed (I personally wouldn’t tell people you are about to do some virtual therapy, but that call is up to you 😉).
You can even try meditating a little bit beforehand, in order to clear your Mind of trivial problems and annoyances you’ve accumulated over the day.
3. Recover
Finally, just as preparation for a session is key — recovery after is even more important. After an EMDR session, especially an intense one where you dive deep into past wounds, you must take time to let your Mind and Body decompress. You need to engage in healthy self-care activities that give your Mind-Body love and attention❤️.
I personally enjoy doing slow foam rolling (a massage gun is too intense in these moments) followed by gentle Yin yoga stretches at my own pace. You would be surprised how much deeper you can delve into your Body’s sensations and go into certain yoga positions after a good EMDR session. Meditation is also a staple in my recovery routine.
The choice is yours on how to recover, but I would recommend avoiding heavy mental stimulation (no action or horror movies). I would also recommend trying to plan your sessions after work / school or on a weekend, but if the mornings are the only time you have available (or have a quiet house) then that can work… just make sure you give yourself enough time after to recover.
4. Customize the Tool
It’s worth spending a few minutes before one of your sessions customizing the VirtualEMDR tool and experimenting with what form of bilateral stimulation feels best for you. As mentioned, I am partial to the basic Blue dot, but occasionally I will get a little crazy and use the Red dot with a figure-8 pattern 😈.
When it comes to time length of sessions, I think the only right answer here is — choose whatever time length you have available and only use the tool for how long you feel comfortable and safe engaging in the EMDR protocol. The recommended daily maximum is 20 minutes for each of the Desensitization and Installation phases — I can say that I have had equally good success with just 10 minutes of Desensitization and 5 minutes of Installation as I have had with a full 40 minute session.
VirtualEMDR offers a number of different pathways when using the tool to target PTSD, anxiety / depression, or addictions. These different pathways change the intro questions before each Desensitization and Installation step to be specific for the type of issue you want to work through.
These can be useful if you particularly struggle in the Target selection phase. However, writing down your answers to the target selection questions is optional so keep in mind if you are running short on time… whichever pathway option you choose, the actual EMDR process is the same for all of them.
5. Track Your Progress
Last but not least, the VirtualEMDR keeps track of your session data 💯.
This is a big win in my opinion, as it allows you to see your progress over time and stay motivated. Inside the My Session Data panel of the app, you can see the number of sessions you have completed, time spent using the tool, your improvement score after each session, and if you want to review past Targets and answers to the intro questions, you can see those as well.
The best part is — VirtualEMDR is 100% HIPAA compliant, so you can use the tool at ease, knowing that your data is completely safe from prying eyes and can only be accessed by you.
Pain Free You 😎
This process will expose your True Self. Following the EMDR protocol, even just a few times a month, is an act of getting to know yourself that few people will ever experience.
I will tell you as someone who has experienced psychedelic breakthroughs under the influence of LSD, MDMA, and Psilocybin — the breakthroughs I’ve had with the VirtualEMDR tool are just as impactful. In fact, I’ve become aware of repressed emotions and memories that I never came close to touching under the influence of any of those compounds!
When you have these breakthroughs — the choice is up to you. You can use the natural wisdom your body has given you to change your life for the better… whether that is having healthier conversations in your Mind or choosing to put healthier foods in your Body. Or you can fall back to your old ways of thinking and self-destructive habits.
However, I will say that the more EMDR sessions you do… the less of a decision you have in front of you. Eventually, you start to understand — it is not a binary, yes / no decision to accept the thoughts and emotions that surface to your Conscious Mind.
These thoughts and emotions are the Real You. You have already accepted them… because you are already made up of them. This healing process, the EMDR experience, is simply a practice of observing and making them feel safe and loved in their home… in your Body.
By embracing these emotions in their rawest form, we allow our Bodies to relax and release any protective tension it has been holding to distract us from these past scars and stressors. This tension can be the source of chronic pain for many — and by removing it, you may discover new range-of-motion, peace of mind, and physical health that you never thought was possible. The MindBody connection is truly miraculous, in its ability to both hamper and heal our Lives.
Sign up for VirtualEMDR here (it’s free for the first 3 days) and get to know your Body and Mind in a way you haven’t yet experienced. Your pain level will decrease, and quality of Life will improve — they certainly have for me 🙂.
P.S. Use the code HEALNOW at checkout for an extra 25% off your first month of VirtualEMDR ;)